"Turn the lights back on, that trusting girl you knew is dead and gone."

One of the hardest parts of not being able to get pregnant has been the complete hatred I have felt for my body.  It has completely let me down and I am so disappointed in it.  Granted, I have never had an incredibly healthy relationship with my body but, this is different.  Before all this, I was disappointed with relatively superficial things... run of the mill things.  Weight, of course, topped the list but, I never liked my nose or skin and if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing is getting a breast reduction.  These babies, have got to go.  But all these things were easily fixed.... losing weight, surgery, medicine...

But not being able to conceive if a very humiliating feeling.  Like I'm fundamentally defective.  And, even though I know it's so common and that millions of women have the same problems, I admit that I never ever thought that I would be one of them.  I was so sure that I would be some sort of baby-machine.  My cycles are like clockwork, I ovulate every month naturally, it just felt so right.  Discovering that I have been broken this whole time has taken a harsh toll on my already tenuous relationship with my body.

It doesn't help that the clomid makes my hair fall out (alopecia runs in my family so, I'm already lacking in that area- both of my parents and my 24 year old brother are practically bald).  My doc further restricted exercise while on clomid due to the huge amount of follicles I had last time... ovarian torsion is a distinct possibility. Plus, the stress makes my skin break out and makes it hard to sleep at night.

Altogether, I feel like a flabby, bald, greasy, pimply, sunken-eyed hag with broken insides.


Hormonal, much?

Tomorrow, it's back to the stirrups for a meeting the with dildo--cam.  Yay.