"And the world spins madly on..."

Realistically, I know it's over this month.  By now, there should have been something real on those tests.  Of course, everyone says it's not over until AF but, I can't keep going there in my mind.  I just want to accept the failure and move on.

I also want a new kitten on cd1, whenever that happens.  (However, with 4 cats already, there is a greater chance of conceiving immaculately.)

We are also considering changing sperm donors.  A big decision, seeing as we have already invested so much in "Monty."  But, he's a blond and I think darker haired men might have stronger sperm... I totally pulled that out of my butt...

As, I've already stated, I am a high-strung individual.  I do not cope with uncertainty very well at all.  In betwixt the "why me, why me.." I am forced to really contemplate "why me?"  Perhaps it's because I don't cope with uncertainty very well.  I told my wife last month that this whole journey has felt like that Indiana Jones movie... the one with Sean Connery.  I think it was The Last Crusade.  At the climax of that movie, Indy is in the temple and has to get past a number of booby traps so that he can reach the holy grail.

I think I know how Indy felt.  It has been established that I will not get pregnant without a fight.  And for the last 6 months, I have battled past countless pitfalls and booby traps... I dealt with a lost sperm shipment on ovulation day, sperm banks with no rental tanks, terrible schedules, stupid doctors, ladybugs (don't ask!) and now, my first failed IUI.  I'm feeling like Indy, kneeling on the floor whispering "only the penitent man shall pass."  I'm wondering if maybe, my final test, my leap of faith so to speak, is to let go... let go of my irrational fear of uncertainty, stop testing my pee every 5 minutes, stop taking my damn temperature... just let go, and let the sperm meet the egg... with the help of clomid and ovidrel (this is $200 sperm, you know).  Maybe that's why I have to go through this hell... to make me a calmer and more prepared for the eternal uncertainty that is being a parent.

Or maybe the world is out to get me.


"Only the penitent man shall pass..."