"Save a horse, ride a cowboy..."

My old boss had her baby.


Moving right along:

What is it about these NYC assholes who blow their horns while waiting for the light to change or waiting for the car in front of them to make a turn?  What the hell is that about?  People don't do that upstate.  I;m not sure if it's because "New Yorkers" are just that self important that they think they have universal right-of-way or if it's because they think that the sound waves coming from their horns help to propel traffic ahead more quickly.  It's just outrageous.  And what makes me even crazier is that um, this is NYC.  The land of the eternal traffic jam.  You can beep all you want but, I guarantee you that you will get stuck in traffic before you leave city limits.   So chill the hell out.

bye now.

"That's the truth about men. That's the truth about us."

Today is CD 4.  Tomorrow is my last clomid tablet and then on friday, it's back to the stirrups for the dildo-cam.

I am dreading this cycle.  I am filled with loathing for every last step of it.  Contrary to my previously posted, brazen declarations of apathy, last cycle hit below the belt (heh... get it?  God, I'm funny!).  I remember that before we started trying, I was jokingly said to my wife "Can you imagine if I was infertile? You would have to commit me!"

My wife refuses to humor my magical thinking but, damn do these things come back to bit you in the ass.

Other things that bite you in the ass are rogue monkeys.  Seriously.  Watch the discovery channel.  Absolutely horrifying.

How's about a little motherhood fantasy?  Ok!

When my kid is old enough to understand an Xbox controller, the two of us are going to go to ikea and buy two really comfy gaming chairs.  We will build them together and then, I'll spend all afternoon teaching him (or her but, this is my fantasy and I want a boy!) how to play Mass Effect and Dragon Age and Oblivion.  I'll let him design our characters and make the decisions and I'll beat the parts that are too hard for him.  I'll teach him how to master the leveling systems and how to appreciate alternate playthroughs.  My wife will pop in and make us popcorn and be generally happy that she can have some free-time for crafting or whatever it is that she does in that other room.

Actually, this may be a fatherhood fantasy.

Lastly, I was told today by an Access-A-Ride driver that I remind her of Shane from the L-Word.  50XP for me.

"Take me for a trip upon your magic swirling ship.."

Well it's that time again.... Clomid time!  Wheeeee!

Because my pillow needs another layer of my hair.

This cycle, I'm going to demand that they do a 7DPO progesterone test.  It's such an easy fix, if that's the problem.

My wife is in Arizona until sunday night.

Um, so yeah about Tim Tebow... first round pick?  Very interesting.

But the real question is what's going on with Colt McCoy??  If he doesn't go in the 3rd round, I will be shocked as hell.

Question answered.  McCoy goes to the Browns in round 3 pick 85.

Also, I want a baby.

"I'll miss you till I meet you."

And it's CD1.

Oh rapture.

"Broadway is dark tonight, a little bit weaker than it used to be."

Things are not going well.  I'm fairly certain it didn't work this time.... what a shocker.

I don't even know what to say anymore.  There's no way to describe the bottomless feeling that comes with infertility.  Bottomless because you can't hit rock bottom.  It just keeps getting worse.  Every failed cycle, every month that passes by, every negative test.... you just keep sinking.

Three women at my job have had babies since I started trying.

Another motherhood fantasy:
My parents have some time shares in Aruba at this amazing 5 star resort with a lazy river swimming pool.  Aruba is my favorite place on earth.  It is the only place I have ever been where I felt completely carefree.  I can picture my Wife and I going to Aruba with our toddler and my parents and brother and his fiance.  We would all float around in the lazy river taking turns playing with the baby in the water.  My parents would teach their grandchild how to build amazing sandcastles like they did with my brother and me when we were kids.  My brother would catch lizards and teach our kid all about the different species.  At night, we would all barbeque outside under the palm trees and maybe play dominos after the baby, wrapped up in big fluffy towel, fell asleep in the hammock by the picnic tables.

I can picture going there when our kid is older, like maybe 7 or 8.  We would take him on the jeep safari and watch him scream and laugh and the jeep climbs up a steep rocky cliff.  We would take him snorkeling so he could see the enormous parrot fish with it ridiculous looking underbite.  In the afternoon, we could cool off under the palapa and my wife could teach him how to play Rummy while I did my crossword puzzles.  We would take a picture of our tanned feet in the sand... his small feel between mine and my wife's.  And we'd play ping pong at night under the pavilion.

It's never going to happen, is it?

11 DPO

"Dance with me darling, we haven't danced since I don't know when..."

I was excited about this cycle for all of two minutes.  Now, I'm just feeling kind of wooden.  I completely stopped temping and stopped updating my chart.  I just don't care to do it anymore.   I don't even really care whether it works or not.  I suppose that's a pretty normal coping mechanism, considering that this is our 7th try.

I'm tired.  So fucking tired.

"It takes a lot of settin', gettin' chicks to hatch!"

Had the IUI #2 part 1 today.  Pretty uneventful, allthough, the nurse doing the insemination was one we had never met and she was super nice!  She informed me that my eggs were quite large and that my lining had grown to 11mm!  Yeah baby!  Actually, she told me it was 11A... not sure what the A means...I think it means "Awesome."

The insemination itself was pretty painless.  The speculum sucked, of course but, no insane cramping and only a tiny bit of bleeding.  

Altogether an unremarkable experience... except the part where my wife stole two sterile urine sample cups... They had green tops!!!

Now, I'm home, and it's time to turn on the Xbox360 and keep my eggs warm.

"Turn the lights back on, that trusting girl you knew is dead and gone."

One of the hardest parts of not being able to get pregnant has been the complete hatred I have felt for my body.  It has completely let me down and I am so disappointed in it.  Granted, I have never had an incredibly healthy relationship with my body but, this is different.  Before all this, I was disappointed with relatively superficial things... run of the mill things.  Weight, of course, topped the list but, I never liked my nose or skin and if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing is getting a breast reduction.  These babies, have got to go.  But all these things were easily fixed.... losing weight, surgery, medicine...

But not being able to conceive if a very humiliating feeling.  Like I'm fundamentally defective.  And, even though I know it's so common and that millions of women have the same problems, I admit that I never ever thought that I would be one of them.  I was so sure that I would be some sort of baby-machine.  My cycles are like clockwork, I ovulate every month naturally, it just felt so right.  Discovering that I have been broken this whole time has taken a harsh toll on my already tenuous relationship with my body.

It doesn't help that the clomid makes my hair fall out (alopecia runs in my family so, I'm already lacking in that area- both of my parents and my 24 year old brother are practically bald).  My doc further restricted exercise while on clomid due to the huge amount of follicles I had last time... ovarian torsion is a distinct possibility. Plus, the stress makes my skin break out and makes it hard to sleep at night.

Altogether, I feel like a flabby, bald, greasy, pimply, sunken-eyed hag with broken insides.


Hormonal, much?

Tomorrow, it's back to the stirrups for a meeting the with dildo--cam.  Yay.

"I believe in yesterday and what it means to bleed... and know that you're ok"

Had an appt. with the dildo-cam early this morning.  Very messy business on cd2.  Got the blood work done too.

The verdict?  I start the clomid again tomorrow, this time on cd3-cd7 and I'm only taking a half dose.  Apparently, they don't want me to have as many mature follicles as I did last time.  This is frustrating.  Why?  Because even with 6 huge ass follicles, I was not able to have a viable pregnancy.  Seems to me that high order multiples should not be a concern and the more eggs, the better.

Sigh.

My wife says I should follow the rules.  I'm not happy about it.

I'm also very upset about the MTA, their unmitigated greediness and utter stupidity.

So, this weekend, my wife and I are off to look at some apartments in Jersey.  Fuck off NYC.  I never liked you anyway.

I'm so done with this place.

I'm also done with cd2 and infertility and mostly the MTA.

Pray for me.

Marilynn Monroe shoulda married Henry Miller

Today may or may not be 3 DPO.  Surely, that means it's high time to start testing.  In other news, my bellybutton feels weird.  Clearly I'm pregnant.  Also, I had cramps, my tongue looked red, my cat looked at  me funny and I felt vaguely queasy when I scooped the litter box last night.  Maybe I should buy a car seat this weekend.

I made my wife return the sperm tank tonight.  She should experience some part of this madness.  Thank god I have the day off tomorrow.

Today, one of my students asked if she could spend the weekend at my house.  Was hysterical laughter the right response?

Minutes Exercised:
0

Emotional Climate:
Guilty with a chance of moping.

Current Paranoias:
-An all republican senate
-Rising sperm prices
-Premature menopause
-Bethesda never putting out another Elderscrolls game

New Vocabulary:
"Cerval Palsy"- damage to the brains of wild african cats before age 22

"The worst pies in London"

I wish I could skip the first post.  So I will.  HA!

Today marks the start of my 5th "two week wait."

Goals for this cycle:
-Spend less then $100 of HPT's.
-Don't bruise boobs while checking for tenderness.
-Refrain from checking boobs in the elevator with the camera at work.
-Remember to snap a photo if I catch the cat wandering around with an HPT strip in his mouth.

New Vocabulary:
Meat Curtains- a term used to describe the labia after giving birth.  Ew.

Anticipations:
-Leading a training at work
-Date with an old friend
-Day off on Thurs.
-Haircut finally.

Things TTC made me say:
"God I never want to orgasm ever again."
"Do you think the sperms are dizzy?"