"Ride that glory train!"

Yesterday, while walking back from the grocery store, my wife and I wound up discussing hell.  I have no comment about why the topic came up after being in the grocery store.  Anyway, she stated that she doesn't believe in hell.  I don't know why I never knew this about her... it seems like one of those questions that should be asked before marriage. 

 "Do you believe in eternal damnation?  You do?  Great, will you marry me?"  

Consequently, I was a bit shocked.  I asked "Well what do you think happens to all the assholes?" 

She said, "Nothing.  They just stop existing.  No spirit, no ghost... just gone."  

What the crap kind of punishment is that???  Seriously.  I do not think I could scrape myself out of bed in the morning if I didn't believe in a gruesome afterlife for the people who suck.  Because, it's not hard to be a good person.  Really, it's not.  In fact there are really only a few rules.  

-Don't hurt people/animals 

-Don't destroy stuff that's not your

-Don't take stuff that's not yours

-Don't be an asshole (this covers stuff like cutting in line, tailgating, honking the horn at red lights [?] stomping on hardwood floors while wearing high heels at midnight... you know... the stuff that makes you want to kill people...)

Basically, that's it.  So, if you can't even be bothered to follow those simple guidelines, there had better be a severe price to pay.  The assholes that I deal with on a day-to-day basis better have it coming.  I won't lie.  I love to fantasize about what's going to happen to these people after they die.  It really makes me smile.

When I said this to my wife, she ventured that maybe it's not healthy to expend so much emotional energy on the afterlives of people I hate.  

Is she fracking kidding??  I can think of no better way to make myself feel all warm and fuzzy.  In fact, I think I should be in charge of hell.  I could think of so many psyche-splintering punishments that would just glitter with razor sharp poetic justice.  And I've never even spit gum on the sidewalk.  Ever.  No hypocrisy at all.  That's what hell really needs at the helm.  A really honest, kind and good person with a dreadfully twisted mind.  Plus, who better to be in charge of hell then a lesbian?  

Is this why I can't get pregnant?

"Multiply life by the power of two..."

This post is dedicated to my wife.

I have the best wife in the world.  No, seriously.  I don't care who anyone else is married to.... my wife is better.

Dear Wife,

Thank you for everything.  Thank you for letting me call you 97667 times a day while you are at work.  I know I call you so much... every time I see a pregnant person or a baby, or a cool stroller... I call you and you remind me that someday that will be us... pregnant and then having a baby in a cool stroller.  You reassure me that it will be our turn one day, even when the pregnant posse at work is swarming or  the admins throw a massive baby shower for the woman with triplets.

Thank you for letting me spend millions of dollars on HPT's even when we both know that they are going to be negative.  Thank you for telling me it's ok to test.

Thank you for letting me curl up in bed with you for a few extra minutes when I'm supposed to be showering and you are still trying to sleep.  Thank you for reminding me that it will happen for us soon, even if I wake you at 6:30 in the morning with a BFN.  Also, thank you for consoling me late at night when I'm hysterical because the clomid made my hair fall out and didn't even give us a baby.  Thank you for giving me extra kisses even after you have shut my face off for the night.

Thank you for repeating yourself billions of times.  You have no idea how much it helps to hear you say that we can keep trying until it works... you are the best cheerleader ever and I couldn't handle this if I didn't have you behind me, promising that it will work this time... this will be our cycle... I know you can't really promise those things.  But when you say them, what I hear I'm here for you babe...


Thank you for being the sperm coordinator.  You have taken a massive weight off my shoulders and especially after last cycle, I know I don't have to micromanage everything.

Thank you for giving me "the juice" on a very special individual... It makes each cycle a bit more bearable knowing that we will do a way better job of parenting than that person.

And finally, thank you for those times when I worry that it won't ever happen and you tell me that we won't stop trying until we have a baby.  I fall more in love with you every time you say that.

Love,
Other Wife

PS thank you for the cycle day 1 kitten... what???