I think it's time for a little motherhood fantasy:
My plan is that when our kids are in grade school, my wife and I are going to plan a surprise vacation... like to disney or something. We will wake them up for school one monday morning and follow the usual morning routine. The suitcases will already be packed and hidden in the back of the car and. I'll tell the kids that their mother and I have a meeting to attend and that we will drop them off at school on the way. I'll drive to the school but instead of pulling into the parking lot, I'll just blow past it and get on to the highway.
The kids will start yelling "Mom, you missed it! You're going the wrong way!" My wife will make a performance of being exasperated with me and then turn to the kids and say "Well, you'll be late to school anyway so we may as well just go to Disney World for a week..."
Oh, by the way... Clomid, round 4. Yep, it's Clomid Sally in all her glory... hair falling out, crying jags, insecurity, sweating, grapefruit sized ovaries, the whole shebang.
In non-fertility related news, I met with the writing group for the first time last weekend. Intimidated? You bet! Impressed? Beyond!
I need new sneakers.
On of my students (SC) informed me today that my dad was a cat. A cat with a needle in his head.
Meow.
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
"That's the truth about men. That's the truth about us."
Today is CD 4. Tomorrow is my last clomid tablet and then on friday, it's back to the stirrups for the dildo-cam.
I am dreading this cycle. I am filled with loathing for every last step of it. Contrary to my previously posted, brazen declarations of apathy, last cycle hit below the belt (heh... get it? God, I'm funny!). I remember that before we started trying, I was jokingly said to my wife "Can you imagine if I was infertile? You would have to commit me!"
My wife refuses to humor my magical thinking but, damn do these things come back to bit you in the ass.
Other things that bite you in the ass are rogue monkeys. Seriously. Watch the discovery channel. Absolutely horrifying.
How's about a little motherhood fantasy? Ok!
When my kid is old enough to understand an Xbox controller, the two of us are going to go to ikea and buy two really comfy gaming chairs. We will build them together and then, I'll spend all afternoon teaching him (or her but, this is my fantasy and I want a boy!) how to play Mass Effect and Dragon Age and Oblivion. I'll let him design our characters and make the decisions and I'll beat the parts that are too hard for him. I'll teach him how to master the leveling systems and how to appreciate alternate playthroughs. My wife will pop in and make us popcorn and be generally happy that she can have some free-time for crafting or whatever it is that she does in that other room.
Actually, this may be a fatherhood fantasy.
Lastly, I was told today by an Access-A-Ride driver that I remind her of Shane from the L-Word. 50XP for me.
I am dreading this cycle. I am filled with loathing for every last step of it. Contrary to my previously posted, brazen declarations of apathy, last cycle hit below the belt (heh... get it? God, I'm funny!). I remember that before we started trying, I was jokingly said to my wife "Can you imagine if I was infertile? You would have to commit me!"
My wife refuses to humor my magical thinking but, damn do these things come back to bit you in the ass.
Other things that bite you in the ass are rogue monkeys. Seriously. Watch the discovery channel. Absolutely horrifying.
How's about a little motherhood fantasy? Ok!
When my kid is old enough to understand an Xbox controller, the two of us are going to go to ikea and buy two really comfy gaming chairs. We will build them together and then, I'll spend all afternoon teaching him (or her but, this is my fantasy and I want a boy!) how to play Mass Effect and Dragon Age and Oblivion. I'll let him design our characters and make the decisions and I'll beat the parts that are too hard for him. I'll teach him how to master the leveling systems and how to appreciate alternate playthroughs. My wife will pop in and make us popcorn and be generally happy that she can have some free-time for crafting or whatever it is that she does in that other room.
Actually, this may be a fatherhood fantasy.
Lastly, I was told today by an Access-A-Ride driver that I remind her of Shane from the L-Word. 50XP for me.
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Take me for a trip upon your magic swirling ship.."
Well it's that time again.... Clomid time! Wheeeee!
Because my pillow needs another layer of my hair.
This cycle, I'm going to demand that they do a 7DPO progesterone test. It's such an easy fix, if that's the problem.
My wife is in Arizona until sunday night.
Um, so yeah about Tim Tebow... first round pick? Very interesting.
But the real question is what's going on with Colt McCoy?? If he doesn't go in the 3rd round, I will be shocked as hell.
Question answered. McCoy goes to the Browns in round 3 pick 85.
Also, I want a baby.
Because my pillow needs another layer of my hair.
This cycle, I'm going to demand that they do a 7DPO progesterone test. It's such an easy fix, if that's the problem.
My wife is in Arizona until sunday night.
Um, so yeah about Tim Tebow... first round pick? Very interesting.
But the real question is what's going on with Colt McCoy?? If he doesn't go in the 3rd round, I will be shocked as hell.
Question answered. McCoy goes to the Browns in round 3 pick 85.
Also, I want a baby.
Friday, April 2, 2010
"I'm just along for the ride."
Yesterday was my cd8 blood test and ultrasound. I have two maturing/dominant follicles, one on each ovary. They measured 14-15mm and 13-14mm. My lining was at 6mm. Apparently, this is a good response to the pathetic dose of clomid I took.
My thoughts: I couldn't get pregnant with 6 eggs, now I only have two.
Reality: Most doctors would have cancelled my last cycle due to my huge clutch of eggs.
Emotionally: I feel like a hen.
Today I arrived at work and caught the elevator just before it closed. As I stepped in, I realized that the other four women inside were all pregnant. Hugely pregnant. So pregnant that, if my life were a movie, the elevator would get stuck between floors, all the women would go into labor at once and I would have to deliver all the babies while rescue teams attempted to free us.
The world is out to get me. The evidence is mounting.
Stay tuned for the results of Sunday's bloodwork and dildo-caming. IUI #2 might be Monday.
My thoughts: I couldn't get pregnant with 6 eggs, now I only have two.
Reality: Most doctors would have cancelled my last cycle due to my huge clutch of eggs.
Emotionally: I feel like a hen.
Today I arrived at work and caught the elevator just before it closed. As I stepped in, I realized that the other four women inside were all pregnant. Hugely pregnant. So pregnant that, if my life were a movie, the elevator would get stuck between floors, all the women would go into labor at once and I would have to deliver all the babies while rescue teams attempted to free us.
The world is out to get me. The evidence is mounting.
Stay tuned for the results of Sunday's bloodwork and dildo-caming. IUI #2 might be Monday.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Turn the lights back on, that trusting girl you knew is dead and gone."
One of the hardest parts of not being able to get pregnant has been the complete hatred I have felt for my body. It has completely let me down and I am so disappointed in it. Granted, I have never had an incredibly healthy relationship with my body but, this is different. Before all this, I was disappointed with relatively superficial things... run of the mill things. Weight, of course, topped the list but, I never liked my nose or skin and if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing is getting a breast reduction. These babies, have got to go. But all these things were easily fixed.... losing weight, surgery, medicine...
But not being able to conceive if a very humiliating feeling. Like I'm fundamentally defective. And, even though I know it's so common and that millions of women have the same problems, I admit that I never ever thought that I would be one of them. I was so sure that I would be some sort of baby-machine. My cycles are like clockwork, I ovulate every month naturally, it just felt so right. Discovering that I have been broken this whole time has taken a harsh toll on my already tenuous relationship with my body.
It doesn't help that the clomid makes my hair fall out (alopecia runs in my family so, I'm already lacking in that area- both of my parents and my 24 year old brother are practically bald). My doc further restricted exercise while on clomid due to the huge amount of follicles I had last time... ovarian torsion is a distinct possibility. Plus, the stress makes my skin break out and makes it hard to sleep at night.
Altogether, I feel like a flabby, bald, greasy, pimply, sunken-eyed hag with broken insides.
Hormonal, much?
Tomorrow, it's back to the stirrups for a meeting the with dildo--cam. Yay.
But not being able to conceive if a very humiliating feeling. Like I'm fundamentally defective. And, even though I know it's so common and that millions of women have the same problems, I admit that I never ever thought that I would be one of them. I was so sure that I would be some sort of baby-machine. My cycles are like clockwork, I ovulate every month naturally, it just felt so right. Discovering that I have been broken this whole time has taken a harsh toll on my already tenuous relationship with my body.
It doesn't help that the clomid makes my hair fall out (alopecia runs in my family so, I'm already lacking in that area- both of my parents and my 24 year old brother are practically bald). My doc further restricted exercise while on clomid due to the huge amount of follicles I had last time... ovarian torsion is a distinct possibility. Plus, the stress makes my skin break out and makes it hard to sleep at night.
Altogether, I feel like a flabby, bald, greasy, pimply, sunken-eyed hag with broken insides.
Hormonal, much?
Tomorrow, it's back to the stirrups for a meeting the with dildo--cam. Yay.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
"We got another dead cow, an apocalypse draws nigh..."
Another day, another pillowful of my hair in the morning. Seriously, it looks like Chewbacca slept on it.
I still hate the MTA and I think Bloomberg is a huge asshole, complete with fissures.
My Wife continues to reassure me that we will definitely have enough money for me to stop working if we ever have a baby. Provided, of course, that we find a cheaper apartment.... not in Jersey City.
I feel like I have turned a corner in terms of my growth as a supervisor. I no longer feel like I have to cater to my staff and keep them happy. That was a problem for me during my first year at the agency. I have reached the point where, now, instead of needing to defend my management style (and this happens pretty rarely, to be honest...) I have no problem with telling people that they are free to find a new job if they don't want to do what needs to be done. Just as a note, I generally am very happy and pleased with my staff. But there's one in every group....
Clearly, an interesting day at work.
This has nothing to do with fertility or the upcoming cycle. Good.
I still hate the MTA and I think Bloomberg is a huge asshole, complete with fissures.
My Wife continues to reassure me that we will definitely have enough money for me to stop working if we ever have a baby. Provided, of course, that we find a cheaper apartment.... not in Jersey City.
I feel like I have turned a corner in terms of my growth as a supervisor. I no longer feel like I have to cater to my staff and keep them happy. That was a problem for me during my first year at the agency. I have reached the point where, now, instead of needing to defend my management style (and this happens pretty rarely, to be honest...) I have no problem with telling people that they are free to find a new job if they don't want to do what needs to be done. Just as a note, I generally am very happy and pleased with my staff. But there's one in every group....
Clearly, an interesting day at work.
This has nothing to do with fertility or the upcoming cycle. Good.
Monday, March 29, 2010
"You'll think I'm dead but I'll sail away on a wave of mutilation..."
Ok. Jersey City? No, I think I'll take the refrigerator box on the sidewalk, thanks.
Yeah. It was that good. Never mind the fact that the porches of all the houses were completely caged off, never mind the fact that there were transient, shifty looking folks roaming the streets, never mind that there was nary a tree in sight... Jersey City is fracking ugly. And I live in NYC. Also let me note that the broker we met was a die hard republican just out of college. No Joke!
Next up to look at is Montclair, Princeton and Outer Mongolia.
In other news: Today is day three of my new and pathetically low dose, clomid week. Some more hair fell out last night (yippee) and I'm a bit cranky.
If/when we move, I'm going to miss the sound of the barges on the river. On foggy days like today, they sound like big mechanical whales singing to each other. It's so weirdly comforting.
My cat is walking around with the tip of his tongue hanging out. Why does he do that? Does he forget to put it away? Is he trying to dry it off?
Maybe one day I'll be rich and famous.
Yeah. It was that good. Never mind the fact that the porches of all the houses were completely caged off, never mind the fact that there were transient, shifty looking folks roaming the streets, never mind that there was nary a tree in sight... Jersey City is fracking ugly. And I live in NYC. Also let me note that the broker we met was a die hard republican just out of college. No Joke!
Next up to look at is Montclair, Princeton and Outer Mongolia.
In other news: Today is day three of my new and pathetically low dose, clomid week. Some more hair fell out last night (yippee) and I'm a bit cranky.
If/when we move, I'm going to miss the sound of the barges on the river. On foggy days like today, they sound like big mechanical whales singing to each other. It's so weirdly comforting.
My cat is walking around with the tip of his tongue hanging out. Why does he do that? Does he forget to put it away? Is he trying to dry it off?
Maybe one day I'll be rich and famous.
Friday, March 26, 2010
"I believe in yesterday and what it means to bleed... and know that you're ok"
Had an appt. with the dildo-cam early this morning. Very messy business on cd2. Got the blood work done too.
The verdict? I start the clomid again tomorrow, this time on cd3-cd7 and I'm only taking a half dose. Apparently, they don't want me to have as many mature follicles as I did last time. This is frustrating. Why? Because even with 6 huge ass follicles, I was not able to have a viable pregnancy. Seems to me that high order multiples should not be a concern and the more eggs, the better.
Sigh.
My wife says I should follow the rules. I'm not happy about it.
I'm also very upset about the MTA, their unmitigated greediness and utter stupidity.
So, this weekend, my wife and I are off to look at some apartments in Jersey. Fuck off NYC. I never liked you anyway.
I'm so done with this place.
I'm also done with cd2 and infertility and mostly the MTA.
Pray for me.
The verdict? I start the clomid again tomorrow, this time on cd3-cd7 and I'm only taking a half dose. Apparently, they don't want me to have as many mature follicles as I did last time. This is frustrating. Why? Because even with 6 huge ass follicles, I was not able to have a viable pregnancy. Seems to me that high order multiples should not be a concern and the more eggs, the better.
Sigh.
My wife says I should follow the rules. I'm not happy about it.
I'm also very upset about the MTA, their unmitigated greediness and utter stupidity.
So, this weekend, my wife and I are off to look at some apartments in Jersey. Fuck off NYC. I never liked you anyway.
I'm so done with this place.
I'm also done with cd2 and infertility and mostly the MTA.
Pray for me.
Monday, March 8, 2010
"And the seasons they go 'round and 'round and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captive on the carousel of time..."
Well, after an appointment with the dildo-cam, the numbers are in. 5 days of clomid resulted in 6 follicles. Yep, 6 big ass, juicy, lovely follicles. This is good news. Of course, this also means that there is the potential for 6 big ass, juicy, lovely fetuses. That would be catastrophic.
After making us swear that we would be amenable to selective reduction if we somehow fertilize more than 2 eggs (trust me... we have no desire to be the next TLC debacle..."two lesbians plus 6!"), the doc set our IUI for this wednesday and thursday at 8:30 AM.
This means that at 8:30 tomorrow, my wife will have to shoot me in the leg. With Ovidrel... not a .45...
My wife prepared for this challenge by watching some videos on YouTube. How reassuring.
Holy Shit. Holy holy holy shit. And other stuff. Yeah. We're ready.... right?
Follicle Count:
2 that are 16mm-17mm
2 that are 15mm-16mm
at least 2 that are 12mm-15mm
Things My Wife Said:
"Don't worry...I watched some videos...I'm ready."
"All our future children in one shot... very efficient."
Secret Reasons For Wanting Kids:
My mom has all our old legos waiting for the first grandkid... literally hundreds of lego sets... Mine!!
First dibs on airplane overhead storage...
After making us swear that we would be amenable to selective reduction if we somehow fertilize more than 2 eggs (trust me... we have no desire to be the next TLC debacle..."two lesbians plus 6!"), the doc set our IUI for this wednesday and thursday at 8:30 AM.
This means that at 8:30 tomorrow, my wife will have to shoot me in the leg. With Ovidrel... not a .45...
My wife prepared for this challenge by watching some videos on YouTube. How reassuring.
Holy Shit. Holy holy holy shit. And other stuff. Yeah. We're ready.... right?
Follicle Count:
2 that are 16mm-17mm
2 that are 15mm-16mm
at least 2 that are 12mm-15mm
Things My Wife Said:
"Don't worry...I watched some videos...I'm ready."
"All our future children in one shot... very efficient."
Secret Reasons For Wanting Kids:
My mom has all our old legos waiting for the first grandkid... literally hundreds of lego sets... Mine!!
First dibs on airplane overhead storage...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"Flowers of thy heart, oh god are they, let them not pass like weeds away..."
Clomid, day 2.
I'll admit that I tend to sway ever so slightly towards the overdramatic but, I'm being absolutely honest when I say that my ovaries feel like they must be the size of grapefruits. Naturally, I'm freaking out.
I don't like this. Nope nope nope.
I think maybe I'll call my mom.
I'll admit that I tend to sway ever so slightly towards the overdramatic but, I'm being absolutely honest when I say that my ovaries feel like they must be the size of grapefruits. Naturally, I'm freaking out.
I don't like this. Nope nope nope.
I think maybe I'll call my mom.
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