"I don't really know ya but I think I could love ya..."

Docking complete, captain.


Today we transferred two grade 5AA blastocysts.  I have no idea what grade 5AA means other then very pretty blastocysts.  The I had discussed transferring 3 blasts but the embryologist (in addition to my wife) strongly cautioned against doing that many because of my age and because of the very high quality of my blasts.  One was even starting to hatch!

So, now it's time to play our favorite game.  No, not the waiting game... the mind game!  You know, the one where I talk myself into every pregnancy symptom under the sun and then feel guilty!  Yay!

But seriously, I swear I felt in implant already.


In other news:
SC (a student of mine) informed me yesterday that my Dad looks like a bald cat and my wife looks like a dog who bites me.  The wonders never cease.

"Come a little bit closer, you're my kind of man..."

I have a million follicles.

100mg of clomid for 5 days and I have a million follicles.  And by a million, I mean 12-14.  So, yay, I guess.

Monitoring this morning.  As always, everything looks perfect.  I feel like the day the doctor says, "oh god, this cycle is a hot mess!" will be the day I get pregnant.  The word "perfect" scares me.

Also, the idea of my 5'-2" 98 pound russian doctor calling anything a "hot mess," cracks me up.

I wonder if anyone else has seen the commercial for wheat thins where a woman is surrounded by an  ominous swirling cloud of crackers?  She has to break though by lunging at the crackers and snapping at them with her teeth.  I dunno.  Seems a bit to visceral for a product that tastes like compressed pencil shavings.

I never want to be chased by crackers.


Conversation between SC (student) and my 19 year old summer undergrad volunteer...
SC: I want to be a priest.
Volunteer: Oh, are you religious?
SC: Yeah...
Volunteer: How so?
SC: You know...I'm jealous and stuff... of other men...
Volunteer: Oh (looks bewildered).... yeah...I can see how that's religious....



I want babies.  Now.

"Guess you better slow that mustang down..."

I think it's time for a little motherhood fantasy:

My plan is that when our kids are in grade school, my wife and I are going to plan a surprise vacation... like to disney or something.  We will wake them up for school one monday morning and follow the usual morning routine.  The suitcases will already be packed and hidden in the back of the car and.  I'll tell the kids that their mother and I have a meeting to attend and that we will drop them off at school on the way.  I'll drive to the school but instead of pulling into the parking lot, I'll just blow past it and get on to the highway.
The kids will start yelling "Mom, you missed it!  You're going the wrong way!"  My wife will make a performance of being exasperated with me and then turn to the kids and say "Well, you'll be late to school anyway so we may as well just go to Disney World for a week..."



Oh, by the way... Clomid, round 4.  Yep, it's Clomid Sally in all her glory... hair falling out, crying jags, insecurity,  sweating,  grapefruit sized ovaries, the whole shebang.


In non-fertility related news, I met with the writing group for the first time last weekend.  Intimidated? You bet!  Impressed?  Beyond!


I need new sneakers.


On of my students (SC) informed me today that my dad was a cat.  A cat with a needle in his head.


Meow.

"Tell your story... don't stop talking... just tell your story walking"

CD1.  Yes it's that time again.  My FF chart looks so bleak on cd1.  Very disheartening.

Tomorrow morning I go for base level blood work and sonogram (really, I'm not sure how the sonogram works when I'm bleeding like a butchered animal.)

I thought I had a lot to say but, I'm just not feeling into it right now.

To sum things up:
We had several bits of very bad news today.  That sucked.  But then a friend came by to lead a little writing workshop type-thing at my job.  My students raved about it and I had a lot of fun.

The end.

"I'm waiting for my real life to begin."

Today was a much better day.  I mean, yeah, I had only one assistant and a puking student but, overall, it was ok.  At least I wasn't crying and fighting with my wife.

Anyway, here we are at 8 DPIUI.  I feel nothing.   Nothing at all.  How awesome is that?  I started testing out my trigger this week.  It's almost gone.

Jesus.  These are the most entertaining status reports on earth.


I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of fighting with my body.  I'm tired of not trusting it.  I'm tired of seeing my life fly by in two-week chunks.  I'm tired of putting life on pause to accommodate my ovulation schedule.  I'm tired of this holding pattern.


Please, please...... deities, powers that be, gods, spirits, beings, ghosties ..... please let this be it.


Things SC Said To Me:
-"I hate smoking crack."
-"I am your godfather."
-"You should have a baby" (from the mouths of babes wheelchair bound adults with cerebral palsy and moderate mental retardation)


Technique Developed:
The diagonal, shoulder-scratch, discreet, boob-squeeze: Just one arm and reach over to the opposite shoulder to scratch a fake itch.  You can use the crook of your elbow to perform a discreet boob grope to check for soreness in elevators with cameras. The security guard probably thinks I should see a dermatologist... or that I have scabies.


Response from the 8-Ball:
"Signs point to yes."

"The butter melts out of habit. You know the toast isn't even warm."

Today was long.  No cramping twingy things.  And it's totally stupid because normally, I call my wife in tears when I do have cramps.  Lately, I have been calling her in tears when I have them AND when I don't.  My poor wife sure puts up with a lot.


I really haven't wanted to eat anything but tostitos and salsa for the last 2 days.

And I'm really tired of people at work waving their big pregnant bellies in my face.  Whatever, people.


Weird Things My Student (SC) Said To Me:
"I'm jesus' father."
"You look like my dog, Courtney."(SC has no dog.  I was not insulted.)
"I been married to "Staff Person" for 50 years. (SC is 34 years old.)
"I think your cat is Jewish." (My cat's not Jewish.  He's a methodist.)


Disappointments:
-Didn't like my soup today.
-No pregnancy symptoms.
-No cookies to be found on 23rd st.
-Meeting cancelled so I wore my best business-y clothes for nothing.

Is The Universe Trying To Tell Me Something?
-Two yolks
-Mom and wife dreaming of twins
-My magical baby dream
-SC exclaiming that I was gonna have a baby (This was totally unprompted.  I never speak to my students about the fertility stuff.  It should also be noted that, SC thinks he will be the father of my baby.  Ermmm....yeah.)

"He wants a fight, well now he's got one. He ain't seen me crazy yet!"

So, today was much better.  No huge jangling ovary feelings.  I hate it when my ovaries feel jangled.

This morning, I asked my wife what would happen if, once we have a baby, we hate it... I felt relieved when she promptly answered, "give it away."  I love how we ride the same wavelength.

But, seriously, what if we are going through all this shit and we end up hating having a baby?  What if we regret the whole damn thing?  What if I go to prison for killing my upstairs neighbors?

What if I just get a grip?

In other news, I hate my job.  Really.  It's a deep, seething angry hatred with a vicious temper and red, rolling, savage eyes.  That being said, I love my students (with a few exceptions) beyond my wildest imaginations.  They are so incredibly funny and wicked and snarky.
They keep me on my toes (literally... those wheelchairs can be deadly!).  They don't accept any mediocrity on my part.  Truly, I have come to work and been yelled at by one of my students in a wheelchair because my desk was cluttered and he believed that a person who can use their arms and legs should keep their desk clean.

Bah.  It was a really interesting day at work and I am kind of obsessing about what it means to work at an agency that serves the disabled.  Perhaps I will delve into this at another time.


Things I Said To My Students:
"If you even think about sneaking out early, I'm going to put and electric fence in front of the door.
"We're taking a field trip to the rubber rooms at bellvue on monday."
"Next person who whines at me gets a free wheelchair ride down the stairs."
"Don't worry...I'm totally qualified to perform surgery on you."

Things My Students Said To Me:
"You're a funny fish-head!"
"Stop clicking your pen, it's really annoying!"
"I'm gonna beat you down in the parking lot at 3:00!" *The woman who said this is 4 feet tall, in a wheelchair and is on a pureed diet.  That's what I call, self-confidence!*

Ways I Would Like To Deal With Current Annoyances:
To the asshowler who has been honking his horn continuously for the last 10 minutes- I would love to strap you naked to the hood of your car, cut off your eyelids  and drive down the highway at 100 MPH, letting your skin melt off as the engine gets hotter and hotter.

To the shitheads upstairs who stomp around on the wood floors with heeled shoes literally at all hours of the day and night- I would like to tie you to chairs and strike your heads with a wooden bat at random intervals.  Then, I would like to set you on fire.

Current Emotional State:
Calm.  Very Calm.  Serene, even.