"Broadway is dark tonight, a little bit weaker than it used to be."

Things are not going well.  I'm fairly certain it didn't work this time.... what a shocker.

I don't even know what to say anymore.  There's no way to describe the bottomless feeling that comes with infertility.  Bottomless because you can't hit rock bottom.  It just keeps getting worse.  Every failed cycle, every month that passes by, every negative test.... you just keep sinking.

Three women at my job have had babies since I started trying.

Another motherhood fantasy:
My parents have some time shares in Aruba at this amazing 5 star resort with a lazy river swimming pool.  Aruba is my favorite place on earth.  It is the only place I have ever been where I felt completely carefree.  I can picture my Wife and I going to Aruba with our toddler and my parents and brother and his fiance.  We would all float around in the lazy river taking turns playing with the baby in the water.  My parents would teach their grandchild how to build amazing sandcastles like they did with my brother and me when we were kids.  My brother would catch lizards and teach our kid all about the different species.  At night, we would all barbeque outside under the palm trees and maybe play dominos after the baby, wrapped up in big fluffy towel, fell asleep in the hammock by the picnic tables.

I can picture going there when our kid is older, like maybe 7 or 8.  We would take him on the jeep safari and watch him scream and laugh and the jeep climbs up a steep rocky cliff.  We would take him snorkeling so he could see the enormous parrot fish with it ridiculous looking underbite.  In the afternoon, we could cool off under the palapa and my wife could teach him how to play Rummy while I did my crossword puzzles.  We would take a picture of our tanned feet in the sand... his small feel between mine and my wife's.  And we'd play ping pong at night under the pavilion.

It's never going to happen, is it?

11 DPO