"Billy's got his beer goggles on."

It was back to work today.  Blah.  It was also 5 DPIUI.  Woot.


Some things:
1. My wife and my mom both had dreams that I was having twins.
2. The morning after her dream, my wife cracked an egg open and there were two yolks in it.
3. The events listed above are very weird.
4. I am not liking this tww because I can't test.  The HCG trigger will give me a false positive for at least 8 days.
5. I miss peeing on sticks.
6. Today I had odd pinching-pulling kind of buzzing twinges in the uterus area.  Never had those before.
7. I never wanted twins.  They kind of freak me out.
8. Since the egg yolk thing, I want nothing more in the world then a set of boy-girl twins.  Go figure.

C'mon damn it!  I had six eggs.... at least one of them HAS to implant.

"All the people on the street, I hate you all."

Today was IUI part 2.  We got there at 8:30 AM, signed for our sperm and then went home for an hour while the sperm had a spa treatment.  We returned at 9:30 and then had to wait until 10:30 because, apparently, all the IUI rooms were filled.  Huh?  Whatever.

The Doc who performed the IUI was not nearly as gentle as the one we had yesterday.  As a result, I'm still cramping.... ugh.

I made an appointment to see a doctor about this cold.  It's not getting better and now I'm starting to cough up something that looks suspiciously like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

But, never mind all that.  Let me recount my dream from last night.

In my dream, I woke up and it was this morning.  I felt a stirring beside me and when I looked down, I found a newborn baby girl gazing up at me.  Instinctively, I knew she was mine.  However, I didn't remember giving birth or being pregnant.  I called to dream wife, who was in the bathroom, and said "honey, when did we have a baby?"

She answered, "Last night."

I was so confused but, really I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth...this baby was freakin adorable.    I inspected her tiny fingers and toes... she had my wife's fingernails and my thumbs.  That's when I realized that we still had an IUI scheduled.  I yelled to my wife, "Baby... what are we gonna do about the IUI?? We already have a baby! They're gonna think we're nuts!"

Her answer was "I dunno... just cancel it I guess..."

I was so freaked out that I called my mom (why did I think that was a good idea?).  She picked up the phone and I said "Hey mom it's me.  So, here's the thing.  We had a baby last night."

My mom started laughing.  "I knew you were lying to me about the infertility... I knew the whole time you were just trying to surprise me!"

"Mom," I said... "We weren't trying to surprise you... we had an IUI scheduled for this morning but somehow, I had a baby last night.  I don't even remember being pregnant!"

I guess she finally understood what I was saying because my mom started panicking and said "Oh god, this is terrible... great but terrible! Courtney, is the baby really soft and mushy?"

I poked at my infant daughter..."No mom.  She seems pretty firm."

This seemed to relieve my mom's anxiety.  "Oh, well, then things are fine.  I'm coming right over."

When my mom arrived, I let her in and she ran right over to the baby.  She and my wife were fussing away when, the doorbell rang.  I answered the door and it was a delivery guy holding a huge stack of gifts wrapped up in baby themed paper.  I asked who the gifts were from.  The delivery guy said nonchalantly, "Oh you know...a bunch of legal and political bigwigs... you know..."

I let him leave the packages in the hall.  Taking the smallest one, I walked into the kitchen where my wife and mother were attempting to give the baby a bath.  "Look, we got a bunch of presents."

I opened the little package.  Inside were a bunch of tiny socks and a card.  I opened the card and two bills fell out.  At first I thought they were 100 dollar bills but, I looked closer and realized that they were 55,000,000 dollar bills.  I gasped and said, "mom, are these real?"  She said "yeah... haven't you ever seen a fifty-five million dollar bill before?"

The message in the card said "Dear Family, congratulations.  Live well.  Love, your favorite supreme court judge, Steve Charles.

That's when I woke up.

Time to get out the old dream dictionary...


Update: I just got back from the Doc's.... and the verdict is.... upper respiratory infection.  Oh rapture.

"Tequila makes her clothes fall off..."

First, a trophy for my wife.  Despite my nervous ramblings, she was completely cool and calm when it came time to inject me last night.  It was like getting a shot from Shaft.  Plus she gave me an Elmo band-aid.

My cold continues to rage on.  My upper lip is visibly chapped now and has that leathery feel of tissue burn.  No Nyquil or Dayquil because it could harm our chances of conception but, we got the go ahead for some tylenol cold.  Not as good, but better then needing to install bilge pumps in my lungs.

Just for the record, Scientology is a complete crock and I dare anyone to say otherwise.

Back to the scheduled program.

Today was IUI part one.  Not much to report.  Stirrups, no pants, one woman between my legs and one caressing my hand, a good time was had by all.  My only complaint was that we had to go all the way up there, sign a piece of paper that said it was ok to thaw the sperm and then we had to wait for an hour while they took the sperm to the sauna at Bally's Total Fitness Center.

And we get to do it all again tomorrow!


No lists.

"Tomorrow is a busy day. We've got things to do; we've got eggs to lay."

I never ever thought that the above lyric would be applicable to my life... TTC is awesome!

It just figures that I'd be sick as a dog today.  Not that dogs are sick... unless, like, they are... where the hell did that one even come from?  Whatever.  I'm sick as a sick dog.  I've got the whole works: the sneezing, coughing, frog voice, aches, hot and cold flashes, raw nose and upper lip from the constant trickle of snot and a wad of paper towel plugging up each nostril.

God, I'm so gorgeous!

Of course, on the upside, I'm too busy trying not to drown in my own post-nasal drip to be all that worried about my wife sticking a needle in my thigh... which incidentally happens at precisely 8:30 PM tonight.

Ok... I lied.  Please god don't let her hit a bone or something!!!

Anyway, I am so glad to not be going to work for the next two days.  I'll miss my students but, I kind of want to set the rest of the staff on fire.

Please please please let this be it...


Handkerchiefs I Soaked:
4

How My Student Embarrassed Me:
By yelling "Feel better, sweetheart!" at me in a crowded elevator.

TTC Worries:
-That I will sneeze and expel the sperm from my uterus
-That I will spike a fever and cook the sperm once it's in me
-That my wife will make tentative jabs at me with the needle

Conclusion Of The Day:
The world is out to get me.

"And the seasons they go 'round and 'round and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captive on the carousel of time..."

Well, after an appointment with the dildo-cam, the numbers are in.  5 days of clomid resulted in 6 follicles. Yep, 6 big ass, juicy, lovely follicles.  This is good news.  Of course, this also means that there is the potential for 6 big ass, juicy, lovely fetuses.  That would be catastrophic.

After making us swear that we would be amenable to selective reduction if we somehow fertilize more than 2 eggs (trust me... we have no desire to be the next TLC debacle..."two lesbians plus 6!"), the doc set our IUI for this wednesday and thursday at 8:30 AM.

This means that at 8:30 tomorrow, my wife will have to shoot me in the leg.  With Ovidrel... not a .45...
My wife prepared for this challenge by watching some videos on YouTube.  How reassuring.

Holy Shit.  Holy holy holy shit.  And other stuff.  Yeah.  We're ready.... right?


Follicle Count:
2 that are 16mm-17mm
2 that are 15mm-16mm
at least 2 that are 12mm-15mm

Things My Wife Said:
"Don't worry...I watched some videos...I'm ready."
"All our future children in one shot... very efficient."

Secret Reasons For Wanting Kids:
My mom has all our old legos waiting for the first grandkid... literally hundreds of lego sets...  Mine!!
First dibs on airplane overhead storage...

"He wants a fight, well now he's got one. He ain't seen me crazy yet!"

So, today was much better.  No huge jangling ovary feelings.  I hate it when my ovaries feel jangled.

This morning, I asked my wife what would happen if, once we have a baby, we hate it... I felt relieved when she promptly answered, "give it away."  I love how we ride the same wavelength.

But, seriously, what if we are going through all this shit and we end up hating having a baby?  What if we regret the whole damn thing?  What if I go to prison for killing my upstairs neighbors?

What if I just get a grip?

In other news, I hate my job.  Really.  It's a deep, seething angry hatred with a vicious temper and red, rolling, savage eyes.  That being said, I love my students (with a few exceptions) beyond my wildest imaginations.  They are so incredibly funny and wicked and snarky.
They keep me on my toes (literally... those wheelchairs can be deadly!).  They don't accept any mediocrity on my part.  Truly, I have come to work and been yelled at by one of my students in a wheelchair because my desk was cluttered and he believed that a person who can use their arms and legs should keep their desk clean.

Bah.  It was a really interesting day at work and I am kind of obsessing about what it means to work at an agency that serves the disabled.  Perhaps I will delve into this at another time.


Things I Said To My Students:
"If you even think about sneaking out early, I'm going to put and electric fence in front of the door.
"We're taking a field trip to the rubber rooms at bellvue on monday."
"Next person who whines at me gets a free wheelchair ride down the stairs."
"Don't worry...I'm totally qualified to perform surgery on you."

Things My Students Said To Me:
"You're a funny fish-head!"
"Stop clicking your pen, it's really annoying!"
"I'm gonna beat you down in the parking lot at 3:00!" *The woman who said this is 4 feet tall, in a wheelchair and is on a pureed diet.  That's what I call, self-confidence!*

Ways I Would Like To Deal With Current Annoyances:
To the asshowler who has been honking his horn continuously for the last 10 minutes- I would love to strap you naked to the hood of your car, cut off your eyelids  and drive down the highway at 100 MPH, letting your skin melt off as the engine gets hotter and hotter.

To the shitheads upstairs who stomp around on the wood floors with heeled shoes literally at all hours of the day and night- I would like to tie you to chairs and strike your heads with a wooden bat at random intervals.  Then, I would like to set you on fire.

Current Emotional State:
Calm.  Very Calm.  Serene, even.

"Flowers of thy heart, oh god are they, let them not pass like weeds away..."

Clomid, day 2.

I'll admit that I tend to sway ever so slightly towards the overdramatic but, I'm being absolutely honest when I say that my ovaries feel like they must be the size of grapefruits.  Naturally, I'm freaking out.

I don't like this.  Nope nope nope.


I think maybe I'll call my mom.