"Really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree..."

My mom's hygiene products have been silent today.  I was hoping she'd call with an update from her q-tips or something... oh well.

9 DPO and so far, nothing.  I read that animals can sense when a woman is pregnant and family pets have been known to act strangely when they sense a fetus growing.  Naturally, I've been presenting my abdomen to all 4 cats for inspection for the last few days.  I am assuming that if they sense a pregnancy, they will break out into Riverdance or something.  As of today, all they do is look at me disdainfully.

My RE recommended no exercise during the two week wait.  Fine by me.

Damn my cat snores loud.  Sounds like trucks shifting on the highway.  If my cat snores loud, am I pregnant?


Work Woes:
Audit in May
12 incoming consumers

Pipe Dream:
Long weekend in Puerto Rico in May

Places I Self-Groped Today:
x37 bus to Bay Ridge
Hale and Hearty Soup
Conference room

Awesome Work Moment:
Attacking my students with mud balls

"Make a joyful noise, my soul"

Conversation with my Mom:

Mom: Hi Honey!  Hey, do you want Jacob's crib and changing table?  Cynthia is getting rid of them.

Me: Um... for my cats?

Mom: No, stupid.... for the baby!

Me: Mom, there is no baby yet.  Trust me, I will tell you as soon as there is even a hint of baby in me.

Mom: You don't have to tell me; I already know you're pregnant.  I had a vision this morning.

Me: Have you considered medication?

Mom: No really!! I was brushing my teeth and suddenly I just saw a vision.... felt a vibe.  Trust me.  Your pregnancy woes are a thing of the past.  You can cancel your IUI.

Me: You had a vision while brushing your teeth?

Mom: Yes, of course.  I usually pray while brushing my teeth so I was in there, brushing and praying and this feeling came upon me and I just knew.  You are totally pregnant.

Me: Well, I hope you don't take offense if I don't cancel my IUI because you share a spiritual bond with your colgate.

Mom: So do you want this crib and changing table?

Me: Sigh...

She's clearly ready for a room at bellevue but, wouldn't it be so funny to call up my RE and tell him I won't be needing an IUI because my mom's toothpaste told her I'm pregnant?

Weirdest Threat from a Student:
"I'm gonna put my cat on you like a dog."

Emotional Climate:
Bemused

Current Fears:
Rent increases
FMLA
The Prop. 8 Trial

Desert Wish:
Cookie from Zaros

I'm having mutations.

Today was step one in my "get a fucking social life!" plan.  I spent a few hours hanging out with a friend whom I haven't seen in 96976 years.

I wish I could say it was awesome and we had a great time and that we plan on doing it again soon.  Unfortunately, that would be a big fat lie.

The truth is more like this:
I had a great time and I hope it was awesome for her too and if I'm lucky, maybe we can hang out again someday. 

I'm not normal.

I hope I didn't ramble too much come across as incoherent.  I know that I used the word "wild" 4087606 times.  Whatever... my vocabulary has to be rebuilt after nearly two years of speaking in monosyllables.  Gah. Coming out of hibernation is fraught with peril.

In other news, another woman announced her pregnancy at work today.  That brings the total up to: 2 newborns, one set of 3rd trimester triplets, one set of 2nd trimester twins and now a 1st trimester across the hall.  How fucking Fab!

Meanwhile back in the serengeti that is my uterus, nothing much is going on.  Not surprising at 5 DPO...I don't know why I'm expecting my IC pee test to reveal a lovely greeting from my blastocyst.

Le sigh.

Well, I'm glad that I had some human, non-work related, non-wife related social interaction.  Hopefully, the post-visit paranoia and panic will be reduced with regular applications of "people cream."

Time Spent with Friend:
Approx. 2.5 hours

Time Spent Worrying that I Sounded like a Cretin
Approx. 3 hours

Number of Public, Self-Gropings:
36

Today's Idle Threat:
"I'm going to fire my reproductive endocrinologist!"

Statement of Dramatic, Self-Pity:
"Everyone is pregnant but me and life is not worth living!"

Emotional Climate:
I'm having mutations.

Marilynn Monroe shoulda married Henry Miller

Today may or may not be 3 DPO.  Surely, that means it's high time to start testing.  In other news, my bellybutton feels weird.  Clearly I'm pregnant.  Also, I had cramps, my tongue looked red, my cat looked at  me funny and I felt vaguely queasy when I scooped the litter box last night.  Maybe I should buy a car seat this weekend.

I made my wife return the sperm tank tonight.  She should experience some part of this madness.  Thank god I have the day off tomorrow.

Today, one of my students asked if she could spend the weekend at my house.  Was hysterical laughter the right response?

Minutes Exercised:
0

Emotional Climate:
Guilty with a chance of moping.

Current Paranoias:
-An all republican senate
-Rising sperm prices
-Premature menopause
-Bethesda never putting out another Elderscrolls game

New Vocabulary:
"Cerval Palsy"- damage to the brains of wild african cats before age 22

Welcome to paradise...

I started this cycle feeling cool, calm and collected.  Should have known it wouldn't last.  What the hell DPO am I anyway!?!?!

Minutes Exercised:
30

Cats Surrounding Me:
3 out of 4

Strange Occurrence:
My wife getting "return to sender" mail TWO YEARS after she originally sent it.

Current TTC Paranoia:
That I'm having an annovulatory cycle.

New Goal:
Composing and actual post eventually.

"The worst pies in London"

I wish I could skip the first post.  So I will.  HA!

Today marks the start of my 5th "two week wait."

Goals for this cycle:
-Spend less then $100 of HPT's.
-Don't bruise boobs while checking for tenderness.
-Refrain from checking boobs in the elevator with the camera at work.
-Remember to snap a photo if I catch the cat wandering around with an HPT strip in his mouth.

New Vocabulary:
Meat Curtains- a term used to describe the labia after giving birth.  Ew.

Anticipations:
-Leading a training at work
-Date with an old friend
-Day off on Thurs.
-Haircut finally.

Things TTC made me say:
"God I never want to orgasm ever again."
"Do you think the sperms are dizzy?"