"Turn the lights back on, that trusting girl you knew is dead and gone."

One of the hardest parts of not being able to get pregnant has been the complete hatred I have felt for my body.  It has completely let me down and I am so disappointed in it.  Granted, I have never had an incredibly healthy relationship with my body but, this is different.  Before all this, I was disappointed with relatively superficial things... run of the mill things.  Weight, of course, topped the list but, I never liked my nose or skin and if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing is getting a breast reduction.  These babies, have got to go.  But all these things were easily fixed.... losing weight, surgery, medicine...

But not being able to conceive if a very humiliating feeling.  Like I'm fundamentally defective.  And, even though I know it's so common and that millions of women have the same problems, I admit that I never ever thought that I would be one of them.  I was so sure that I would be some sort of baby-machine.  My cycles are like clockwork, I ovulate every month naturally, it just felt so right.  Discovering that I have been broken this whole time has taken a harsh toll on my already tenuous relationship with my body.

It doesn't help that the clomid makes my hair fall out (alopecia runs in my family so, I'm already lacking in that area- both of my parents and my 24 year old brother are practically bald).  My doc further restricted exercise while on clomid due to the huge amount of follicles I had last time... ovarian torsion is a distinct possibility. Plus, the stress makes my skin break out and makes it hard to sleep at night.

Altogether, I feel like a flabby, bald, greasy, pimply, sunken-eyed hag with broken insides.


Hormonal, much?

Tomorrow, it's back to the stirrups for a meeting the with dildo--cam.  Yay.

"We got another dead cow, an apocalypse draws nigh..."

Another day, another pillowful of my hair in the morning.  Seriously, it looks like Chewbacca slept on it.

I still hate the MTA and I think Bloomberg is a huge asshole, complete with fissures.

My Wife continues to reassure me that we will definitely have enough money for me to stop working if we ever have a baby.  Provided, of course, that we find a cheaper apartment.... not in Jersey City.

I feel like I have turned a corner in terms of my growth as a supervisor.  I no longer feel like I have to cater to my staff and keep them happy.  That was a problem for me during my first year at the agency.  I have reached the point where, now, instead of needing to defend my management style (and this happens pretty rarely, to be honest...) I have no problem with telling people that they are free to find a new job if they don't want to do what needs to be done.  Just as a note, I generally am very happy and pleased with my staff.  But there's one in every group....

Clearly, an interesting day at work.

This has nothing to do with fertility or the upcoming cycle.  Good.

"You'll think I'm dead but I'll sail away on a wave of mutilation..."

Ok.  Jersey City?  No, I think I'll take the refrigerator box on the sidewalk, thanks.


Yeah.  It was that good.  Never mind the fact that the porches of all the houses were completely caged off, never mind the fact that there were transient, shifty looking folks roaming the streets, never mind that there was nary a tree in sight... Jersey City is fracking ugly.  And I live in NYC.  Also let me note that the broker we met was a die hard republican just out of college.  No Joke!

Next up to look at is Montclair, Princeton and Outer Mongolia.


In other news:  Today is day three of my new and pathetically low dose, clomid week.  Some more hair fell out last night (yippee) and I'm a bit cranky.

If/when we move, I'm going to miss the sound of the barges on the river.  On foggy days like today, they sound like big mechanical whales singing to each other.  It's so weirdly comforting.

My cat is walking around with the tip of his tongue hanging out.  Why does he do that?  Does he forget to put it away?  Is he trying to dry it off?


Maybe one day I'll be rich and famous.

"I believe in yesterday and what it means to bleed... and know that you're ok"

Had an appt. with the dildo-cam early this morning.  Very messy business on cd2.  Got the blood work done too.

The verdict?  I start the clomid again tomorrow, this time on cd3-cd7 and I'm only taking a half dose.  Apparently, they don't want me to have as many mature follicles as I did last time.  This is frustrating.  Why?  Because even with 6 huge ass follicles, I was not able to have a viable pregnancy.  Seems to me that high order multiples should not be a concern and the more eggs, the better.

Sigh.

My wife says I should follow the rules.  I'm not happy about it.

I'm also very upset about the MTA, their unmitigated greediness and utter stupidity.

So, this weekend, my wife and I are off to look at some apartments in Jersey.  Fuck off NYC.  I never liked you anyway.

I'm so done with this place.

I'm also done with cd2 and infertility and mostly the MTA.

Pray for me.

"Tell your story... don't stop talking... just tell your story walking"

CD1.  Yes it's that time again.  My FF chart looks so bleak on cd1.  Very disheartening.

Tomorrow morning I go for base level blood work and sonogram (really, I'm not sure how the sonogram works when I'm bleeding like a butchered animal.)

I thought I had a lot to say but, I'm just not feeling into it right now.

To sum things up:
We had several bits of very bad news today.  That sucked.  But then a friend came by to lead a little writing workshop type-thing at my job.  My students raved about it and I had a lot of fun.

The end.

"Multiply life by the power of two..."

This post is dedicated to my wife.

I have the best wife in the world.  No, seriously.  I don't care who anyone else is married to.... my wife is better.

Dear Wife,

Thank you for everything.  Thank you for letting me call you 97667 times a day while you are at work.  I know I call you so much... every time I see a pregnant person or a baby, or a cool stroller... I call you and you remind me that someday that will be us... pregnant and then having a baby in a cool stroller.  You reassure me that it will be our turn one day, even when the pregnant posse at work is swarming or  the admins throw a massive baby shower for the woman with triplets.

Thank you for letting me spend millions of dollars on HPT's even when we both know that they are going to be negative.  Thank you for telling me it's ok to test.

Thank you for letting me curl up in bed with you for a few extra minutes when I'm supposed to be showering and you are still trying to sleep.  Thank you for reminding me that it will happen for us soon, even if I wake you at 6:30 in the morning with a BFN.  Also, thank you for consoling me late at night when I'm hysterical because the clomid made my hair fall out and didn't even give us a baby.  Thank you for giving me extra kisses even after you have shut my face off for the night.

Thank you for repeating yourself billions of times.  You have no idea how much it helps to hear you say that we can keep trying until it works... you are the best cheerleader ever and I couldn't handle this if I didn't have you behind me, promising that it will work this time... this will be our cycle... I know you can't really promise those things.  But when you say them, what I hear I'm here for you babe...


Thank you for being the sperm coordinator.  You have taken a massive weight off my shoulders and especially after last cycle, I know I don't have to micromanage everything.

Thank you for giving me "the juice" on a very special individual... It makes each cycle a bit more bearable knowing that we will do a way better job of parenting than that person.

And finally, thank you for those times when I worry that it won't ever happen and you tell me that we won't stop trying until we have a baby.  I fall more in love with you every time you say that.

Love,
Other Wife

PS thank you for the cycle day 1 kitten... what???

"And the world spins madly on..."

Realistically, I know it's over this month.  By now, there should have been something real on those tests.  Of course, everyone says it's not over until AF but, I can't keep going there in my mind.  I just want to accept the failure and move on.

I also want a new kitten on cd1, whenever that happens.  (However, with 4 cats already, there is a greater chance of conceiving immaculately.)

We are also considering changing sperm donors.  A big decision, seeing as we have already invested so much in "Monty."  But, he's a blond and I think darker haired men might have stronger sperm... I totally pulled that out of my butt...

As, I've already stated, I am a high-strung individual.  I do not cope with uncertainty very well at all.  In betwixt the "why me, why me.." I am forced to really contemplate "why me?"  Perhaps it's because I don't cope with uncertainty very well.  I told my wife last month that this whole journey has felt like that Indiana Jones movie... the one with Sean Connery.  I think it was The Last Crusade.  At the climax of that movie, Indy is in the temple and has to get past a number of booby traps so that he can reach the holy grail.

I think I know how Indy felt.  It has been established that I will not get pregnant without a fight.  And for the last 6 months, I have battled past countless pitfalls and booby traps... I dealt with a lost sperm shipment on ovulation day, sperm banks with no rental tanks, terrible schedules, stupid doctors, ladybugs (don't ask!) and now, my first failed IUI.  I'm feeling like Indy, kneeling on the floor whispering "only the penitent man shall pass."  I'm wondering if maybe, my final test, my leap of faith so to speak, is to let go... let go of my irrational fear of uncertainty, stop testing my pee every 5 minutes, stop taking my damn temperature... just let go, and let the sperm meet the egg... with the help of clomid and ovidrel (this is $200 sperm, you know).  Maybe that's why I have to go through this hell... to make me a calmer and more prepared for the eternal uncertainty that is being a parent.

Or maybe the world is out to get me.


"Only the penitent man shall pass..."