Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"Sittin' on the dock o' the bay, wastin' time."

My ass is numb and I'm bored.


Because this couch I've been sitting on for the last 6 days is incredibly uncomfortable and daytime TV is just so damn trashy.

But Courtney, why are you sitting on the couch when you are supposed to be at work?  Have you won the lottery?  No, that can't be it... you would have bought a new couch...

+10xp for logic.  No I have not won the lottery.  Instead, I have developed a subchorionic hematoma also known as a perigestational bleed.  Thus, I have been placed on bed rest until further notice.


Exciting, I know.  It all started very early in the morning last thursday.  At about 5 AM, I was making my routine 16th trip to the bathroom because my bladder is now the size of an electron.  Much to my dismay, when I reached the bathroom, I was greeted by the sight of blood dripping down my legs.  Calmly, I screamed "What the fuck?" at the cat who was sleeping in the bathroom sink.  As the cat fishtailed out into the dark hallway I took a deep breath to gather my wits and proceeded to tear into the bedroom.  Not wanting to scare my sleeping wife I gently and rationally shoved her awake screaming "Get up I'm bleeding!  The babies are dying!"

8 hours later, we returned from the emergency room with our diagnosis and two very healthy fetuses still swimming around though the radiologist wouldn't show me the ultrasound images.

I saw my OB on monday.  This time, I was able to see the ultrasound.  Fucking Wild.  The kids have feet.  And legs.  Skinny creepy fetus legs.  And they were doing handsprings.  Literally.  Two creepy fetuses practicing Le Parcour inside me.   OB confirmed my bleed but said it was on the small side so that was good news.  However, I am not allowed to leave the house on foot for longer than 5 minutes for at least the next two weeks.  I am also not allowed to have orgasms.  Yes, I'm home alone, filled with raging hormones and have complete, unfettered access to a universe of online porn.... the agony.

I AM allowed to do light housework for short increments.  Oh Joy.

So, here I sit, bored with a numb ass but grateful that I can still be a jungle gym for the kids.

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