"Is you is or is you ain't my baby..."

The plot thickens....

Today, the secretary at work told me she had a dream that I was pregnant.  I'm not in the business of telling the folks at work about the whole TTC thing and I'm not particularly close with the secretary.  In fact, she and I have a distinctly antagonistic relationship.  This woman once told me that the blue ink in my pen was too black.  Needless to say, I was shocked by her revelation.  This has been a very mystical TWW.

In other news, my nipples are on fire.  Yes.

Also, my boobs are sore... kinda... not sore like how they used to get during PMS back when I was a teenager... more like they feel bruised.  I imagine it's how they would feel if a professional boxing cat used my boobs as one of those little practice boxing balloons that hang down... you know those things...


A small side note... How is it the the assistant teachers we hire seem to need more care and coddling than the disabled population we serve?  Seriously...

Too tired for a list.  It's Friday.

"I'm waiting for my real life to begin."

Today was a much better day.  I mean, yeah, I had only one assistant and a puking student but, overall, it was ok.  At least I wasn't crying and fighting with my wife.

Anyway, here we are at 8 DPIUI.  I feel nothing.   Nothing at all.  How awesome is that?  I started testing out my trigger this week.  It's almost gone.

Jesus.  These are the most entertaining status reports on earth.


I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of fighting with my body.  I'm tired of not trusting it.  I'm tired of seeing my life fly by in two-week chunks.  I'm tired of putting life on pause to accommodate my ovulation schedule.  I'm tired of this holding pattern.


Please, please...... deities, powers that be, gods, spirits, beings, ghosties ..... please let this be it.


Things SC Said To Me:
-"I hate smoking crack."
-"I am your godfather."
-"You should have a baby" (from the mouths of babes wheelchair bound adults with cerebral palsy and moderate mental retardation)


Technique Developed:
The diagonal, shoulder-scratch, discreet, boob-squeeze: Just one arm and reach over to the opposite shoulder to scratch a fake itch.  You can use the crook of your elbow to perform a discreet boob grope to check for soreness in elevators with cameras. The security guard probably thinks I should see a dermatologist... or that I have scabies.


Response from the 8-Ball:
"Signs point to yes."

"Be careful, I may bite your head off,"

Does being totally pissed off about everything count as a symptom?  Or am I just a harpy?

Welcome to 7 DPIUI at the Brooks-Carney House!

"The butter melts out of habit. You know the toast isn't even warm."

Today was long.  No cramping twingy things.  And it's totally stupid because normally, I call my wife in tears when I do have cramps.  Lately, I have been calling her in tears when I have them AND when I don't.  My poor wife sure puts up with a lot.


I really haven't wanted to eat anything but tostitos and salsa for the last 2 days.

And I'm really tired of people at work waving their big pregnant bellies in my face.  Whatever, people.


Weird Things My Student (SC) Said To Me:
"I'm jesus' father."
"You look like my dog, Courtney."(SC has no dog.  I was not insulted.)
"I been married to "Staff Person" for 50 years. (SC is 34 years old.)
"I think your cat is Jewish." (My cat's not Jewish.  He's a methodist.)


Disappointments:
-Didn't like my soup today.
-No pregnancy symptoms.
-No cookies to be found on 23rd st.
-Meeting cancelled so I wore my best business-y clothes for nothing.

Is The Universe Trying To Tell Me Something?
-Two yolks
-Mom and wife dreaming of twins
-My magical baby dream
-SC exclaiming that I was gonna have a baby (This was totally unprompted.  I never speak to my students about the fertility stuff.  It should also be noted that, SC thinks he will be the father of my baby.  Ermmm....yeah.)

"Billy's got his beer goggles on."

It was back to work today.  Blah.  It was also 5 DPIUI.  Woot.


Some things:
1. My wife and my mom both had dreams that I was having twins.
2. The morning after her dream, my wife cracked an egg open and there were two yolks in it.
3. The events listed above are very weird.
4. I am not liking this tww because I can't test.  The HCG trigger will give me a false positive for at least 8 days.
5. I miss peeing on sticks.
6. Today I had odd pinching-pulling kind of buzzing twinges in the uterus area.  Never had those before.
7. I never wanted twins.  They kind of freak me out.
8. Since the egg yolk thing, I want nothing more in the world then a set of boy-girl twins.  Go figure.

C'mon damn it!  I had six eggs.... at least one of them HAS to implant.

"All the people on the street, I hate you all."

Today was IUI part 2.  We got there at 8:30 AM, signed for our sperm and then went home for an hour while the sperm had a spa treatment.  We returned at 9:30 and then had to wait until 10:30 because, apparently, all the IUI rooms were filled.  Huh?  Whatever.

The Doc who performed the IUI was not nearly as gentle as the one we had yesterday.  As a result, I'm still cramping.... ugh.

I made an appointment to see a doctor about this cold.  It's not getting better and now I'm starting to cough up something that looks suspiciously like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

But, never mind all that.  Let me recount my dream from last night.

In my dream, I woke up and it was this morning.  I felt a stirring beside me and when I looked down, I found a newborn baby girl gazing up at me.  Instinctively, I knew she was mine.  However, I didn't remember giving birth or being pregnant.  I called to dream wife, who was in the bathroom, and said "honey, when did we have a baby?"

She answered, "Last night."

I was so confused but, really I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth...this baby was freakin adorable.    I inspected her tiny fingers and toes... she had my wife's fingernails and my thumbs.  That's when I realized that we still had an IUI scheduled.  I yelled to my wife, "Baby... what are we gonna do about the IUI?? We already have a baby! They're gonna think we're nuts!"

Her answer was "I dunno... just cancel it I guess..."

I was so freaked out that I called my mom (why did I think that was a good idea?).  She picked up the phone and I said "Hey mom it's me.  So, here's the thing.  We had a baby last night."

My mom started laughing.  "I knew you were lying to me about the infertility... I knew the whole time you were just trying to surprise me!"

"Mom," I said... "We weren't trying to surprise you... we had an IUI scheduled for this morning but somehow, I had a baby last night.  I don't even remember being pregnant!"

I guess she finally understood what I was saying because my mom started panicking and said "Oh god, this is terrible... great but terrible! Courtney, is the baby really soft and mushy?"

I poked at my infant daughter..."No mom.  She seems pretty firm."

This seemed to relieve my mom's anxiety.  "Oh, well, then things are fine.  I'm coming right over."

When my mom arrived, I let her in and she ran right over to the baby.  She and my wife were fussing away when, the doorbell rang.  I answered the door and it was a delivery guy holding a huge stack of gifts wrapped up in baby themed paper.  I asked who the gifts were from.  The delivery guy said nonchalantly, "Oh you know...a bunch of legal and political bigwigs... you know..."

I let him leave the packages in the hall.  Taking the smallest one, I walked into the kitchen where my wife and mother were attempting to give the baby a bath.  "Look, we got a bunch of presents."

I opened the little package.  Inside were a bunch of tiny socks and a card.  I opened the card and two bills fell out.  At first I thought they were 100 dollar bills but, I looked closer and realized that they were 55,000,000 dollar bills.  I gasped and said, "mom, are these real?"  She said "yeah... haven't you ever seen a fifty-five million dollar bill before?"

The message in the card said "Dear Family, congratulations.  Live well.  Love, your favorite supreme court judge, Steve Charles.

That's when I woke up.

Time to get out the old dream dictionary...


Update: I just got back from the Doc's.... and the verdict is.... upper respiratory infection.  Oh rapture.

"Tequila makes her clothes fall off..."

First, a trophy for my wife.  Despite my nervous ramblings, she was completely cool and calm when it came time to inject me last night.  It was like getting a shot from Shaft.  Plus she gave me an Elmo band-aid.

My cold continues to rage on.  My upper lip is visibly chapped now and has that leathery feel of tissue burn.  No Nyquil or Dayquil because it could harm our chances of conception but, we got the go ahead for some tylenol cold.  Not as good, but better then needing to install bilge pumps in my lungs.

Just for the record, Scientology is a complete crock and I dare anyone to say otherwise.

Back to the scheduled program.

Today was IUI part one.  Not much to report.  Stirrups, no pants, one woman between my legs and one caressing my hand, a good time was had by all.  My only complaint was that we had to go all the way up there, sign a piece of paper that said it was ok to thaw the sperm and then we had to wait for an hour while they took the sperm to the sauna at Bally's Total Fitness Center.

And we get to do it all again tomorrow!


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